I saw two of my friends who are married, are having an affair with eachother.   I felt so sick in the guts that they are betraying their spouses like this.

Should I tell their spouses that they are cheating on them?  How do I deal with this?  I want to get rid of this burden and this secret that I’m carrying around with me.

Dan

Hi Dan,

How do you feel when someone you have confided in, actually goes and betrays your trust?

Also, what business is it of yours if two people that you know of, decide to go and have sex in private?  What people do behind closed doors – is their business alone.  Not yours!  This is nothing to do with you.  This is the decision of two people that you know of, to actually enjoy and explore one another.

Do you love a person who betrays your trust and spreads gossip about you?  Or do you have admiration for a person who can keep a secret to themselves?  I have far more respect for someone who can keep confidence and not betray me.

Let it go.  Hold the view that this is not your business to meddle in.  They will love you for it.

Laura

I am very interested in this whole area of relationships because I know that the monogamous model just doesn’t work for most people.

I am still figuring out what would work best for me. I think ideally I would like a primary lifelong partner, but with the freedom of exploring other kinds of relationships outside of that. Personally the sex/physical side of things is not that important to me, but variety is.  My biggest fear in a long-term monogamous relationship would be boredom.

I am still not sure how children fit into all of this. It’s all very well for adults to do what they like, but how does this impact on children?  I wonder if it is maybe more ‘natural’ for children to stay with their mother, regardless of who she is with, and for men to parent the children of whoever they’re with. This seems to happen by default anyway. But, as you suggest, perhaps the ideal solution is for the original couple to stay together and continue to parent the children together, but meet their other needs outside of that primary/original relationship.

Sandy

Hi Sandy

Some anthropologists consider that fatherhood is unnatural to men.

However in my work, I saw many heartbroken men who had limited access to their children.  Some men consider their children to be the oxygen they breath. They work so hard to create a family and wish to keep it.  It’s a driving force for men.  They toil to provide – blood, sweat and tears.

- There are no guarantees.  This also boils down to the ‘bond’ that a parent will form with a child.  I once had a boyfriend who had children – and I bonded with them.  It was amazing at how fast it can happen.  But real parents may not bond (including you as a mother).  Some parents feel one child is a soul mate, other’s feel the child is just in their way.  A good parent might even feel this. 

For myself when I was married, I still considered raising a child alone should we divorce.  Our marriage wasn’t strong enough to bring children into it, so I chose not to have children.  I now hold the view that I can be a mother in another lifetime or have already been in a past lifetime.    

As I’ve written in ‘Wife Swap’ – I believe children just want their two parents together.  I don’t think children would care (if they were brought up to believe as in the 60s, that sex outside of the primary relationship was indeed ok and acceptable).  Until there is further education on polyamory, then how can we have an honest relationship that is primary where we can express ‘hey I might grow bored one day, can we open the relationship up?’ – where this is accepted? 

Laura

Basically, I’m 25 years old, single mum to a beautiful 7 month old boy.  The father is my ex.  We broke up when I was pregnant, he is still around for our son and is a great dad however we won’t be getting back together.

My problem is, although I love my son more than anything in the world, I don’t think I like being a mum.  I have found the past 5 months of my life the most difficult and everyone tells me that its because I’m bringing up my baby on my own (his dad sees him once a week).  But I think its more than that.  Yes its been extremely hard with night feeds, crying and teething etc but I’ve got used to it.

Whats bothering me is that I want all my freedom back.  My biggest regret is that I never went travelling, and now I probably never will!  And although I love my son to bits, sometimes I can’t wait for his dad to have him for the day so I can have the day to myself. I’ve never liked kids, and I know you’re thinking why the hell did you have one then!  But me and my ex were very much in love and we wanted to start a family. Even that idea scares the hell out of me now!  I just want to be free, do my own thing, go wherever I please…

I just feel like packing up and going away on my own.  My son will stay with his dad.  I know I will miss him like crazy but on the other hand I want to be able to get away and have some fun.  Is this selfish?  I know that there are a lot of women out there who wouldn’t dream of leaving their child not even for a minute.  I’m not saying that I dont care about or love my child. I’m saying that I dont like being a mum,  I dont want to evolve my entire life around my child I still want to experience stuff for myself.

Am I being totally selfish?

Jenny

Hi Jenny

It is common for many women to feel this. Society’s conditioning doesn’t actually warn women that they will feel this way when they are considering being a mother.  Instead, most people assume once that a woman is pregnant, that you will find great happiness and fulfillment in being a mother.

 I think let yourself have a break. Parenting ought to be shared, with men taking responsibility as well. Sadly, that’s not the way it is. It won’t hurt your ex to take him for a while, in fact it could be a great bonding time for him. He might really love it.

 Give yourself some time out. It is incredibly demanding being a mother. Even Oprah encourages mother’s to take time out for themselves. It’s called ‘me’ time. This is acknowledging that you have needs to rejuvenate yourself so that you can continue to do a great job.

 If you don’t do this, resentment will creep in and you will feel as though it is just too demanding, and you will become stressed (and probably cranky). That’s not effective.

 It’s a more win-win situation when you give yourself some rejuvenation for a while rather than being resentful, then cranky and lashing out.

 Laura

Seeing you are writing about this, I am interested in your perspective. 

My man and I have been together for almost 4 years now, and our marriage is on the cards.  We are both in our 50s and have both been married and divorced, so we each have a past.

Watching the news on TV the other night there was something about a married sportsman who’s been accused of using prostitutes, which made me wonder why he’d do so when his wife is so gorgeous and glamorous.

Anyway, as a sort of joke I said to my man “have YOU ever paid for sex?” thinking he was going to say something like “No way, I’ve never had to pay for it in my life!”  Instead he told me that several years ao, while working overseas (in a place where prostitution is legal) that he’d paid for sex.

So I asked him why ……… I suppose I was hoping he’d say that he’d been lonely, or that working in a foreign country he’d not been able to find a girlfriend and had just been desperate for sexual release.

But he just said very casually, that because it had been legal and freely available, he’d simply decided to try it.  He told me that although the sex had been good in a mechanical sort of way, it had just been a commercial transaction and therefore nothing like as good as making love with someone you’re in love with, who loves you in return.

I should feel reassured by that ……but I don’t and since this revelation I’ve sort of frozen-up sexually and don’t know how to get past it.

It’s not that I’m worried he’s going to cheat on me with a prostitute (or any other woman), he’s the most faithful, honest man I’ve ever known in my life, it’s cause I don’t know if he’s the man that I previously thought he was.

Prior to this I believed we shared the same values and ideas on what’s decent and what’s not.

Now I’m not so sure.

He went to a woman he’d never met, gave her money and then had sex with her.

I know she was a willing participant in the transaction, but he still just used her body as though it was just a piece of meat.

Are women commodities to be bought and sold that way?

This is about respect, for your own body and for other people’s.  Lisa

Hi Lisa

Within the human psyche is a hunger to experiment.  Most people have a checklist within the minds, that they wish to check off once they have experienced their fantasy or desires.

Your man was honest enough with you to give you his honest answer.  He could easily have said ‘nah, I’ve never seen an escort’.  He told you the truth. 

Many decent men see escorts.  This is because a service is available for money (no different to paying for a massage or therapist).  It is convenient as well as money representing that there are no emotional ties or complications. 

People wish to experience several people in bed.  This goes against our conditioning of just having one partner for a lifetime.  This is unnatural and is incorrect teaching. 

Value your man’s honesty, rather than worry he is not the same person you thought he was.  Everyone has a right to have sex with a variety of people and can do as they please with their body (as long as they are not hurting anyone).

Laura 

I stumbled on your website and would like to ask something.

I have a big problem… my husband is no longer intimate with and me but yet he finds time to watch all the porn he can. I don’t understand it.  Am I boring him? Am I not attractive to him any more?  Its making it real hard for me especially since I’ve got needs that need fulfilling as well. 

Our sexual activities used to last for hours!  Now we’re lucky to last for 3-30 minutes.  It’s concerning me!  

I feel bad, because of his lack of performance.  I’m starting to fantasise about other men….. Not in a relationship sense but sexually!  I love my husband but I’m not sure where I stand anymore…… what should I do?  Cathy

Hi Cathy

When men view porn, they are off into a world of fantasy. This is a world where people can escape into, and just forget about life for a while.

Some people can become very addicted to porn in a quick space of time, then find it can no longer satisfy, and in time – lose interest to a degree. Though many men just enjoy porn on a regular basis.

I wouldn’t worry too much, as his fascination could only be a phase.  There are other areas in his life that need balancing by the sounds of it and only he can correct this – whether he puts his energies into a sport, reduces the addiction to porn or quits viewing it altogether.  Some people find porn very gripping at first, then in time it wears off.  Other’s will view it in a more balanced way and not spend hours inside this world.

It sounds as if you are still having sex, and 3 minutes to 20 minutes is still a high record as far as couples go.

You both fantasising is just natural.

We have both 2 compartments within our minds –

The world of Reality

The world of Fantasy.

Both help us function as adults and to get through the day and weeks, months and years. Too much reality – and we go crazy. Too much fantasy and we are just not in touch.

Fantasising about other people sexually does not mean you love your partner or spouse any LESS. In fact, people stay with their partner regardless of whether there is sexual fulfillment or not.

Hope this helps….Laura

I am a divorced woman dating a younger divorced man for a few years. Recently I saw ans e-mail that he sent to his ex-girlfriend who he had an internet relationship with before me but who was married and not going to leave her husband. She had contacted him within the past year and they were calling each other over the past 8 months.

He told me it didn’t mean anything to him and stopped it immediately after I found out.  He did tell me that he thought she wanted more as she is not happily married and has a strong need for sex, but he was not going there.  He has given me his password to his e-mail.  He was sorry he did it and said it wouldn’t happen again.

My question is “How deceptive is he, can I trust him”?  Obviously, I wasn’t suppose to find out even though in his mind he really doesn’t feel he was doing anything deceptive towards me. I was hugely hurt and we talked about it extensively.  He admitted it was a stupid thing to do but he feels certain that she was a “kindred spirit”.

Does this mean that his morality level is not what I should be associated with as I find it incomprehensible that he could have done this knowing I wouldn’t like it.  He (stupidly) thought he was helping her as she can supposedly talk to him about anything.  He told her to make it work with her husband and she asked about me often.  Sally

Hi Sally 

Most humans are polyamorous by nature. That is they seek several relationships at the same time. If he has made a connection with this woman, then he is enjoying the contact. It may not be a sexual relationship but they are able to converse with eachother. It might not be based on reality, but nevertheless, this relationship is giving them strength.

 It sounds more like he is sorry that he is caught but enjoyed the contact. If he feels he likes the email connection, nothing really will stop it. But it sounds like he has formed a more solid relationship with you, but just likes a plutonic relationship on the side here.

 Sometimes we don’t always find that our needs are met from just one person, but several people offer us different things.

 It’s easy to play the game, act like we arn’t interested in anyone else, but humans don’t really tick this way. Similar to food, we enjoy variety.

Laura

I have formed a deep friendship with a lady I am working with.  We often have lunch together and can talk on just about anything.  The main problem is that – she is married.  But she often tells me how unhappy she is in her marriage.  I’m not sure what to do, whether I stand a chance or whether I should make a move or let her know my feelings.  Thanks for your help – Daryl

Hi Daryl,

I will share some insight into how women work.  Us women love a sounding board.  If you are a good listening ear during a time in which she finds herself unhappy in a situation where expectations ought to be different, then you are providing some emotional support to a degree. 

People will have affairs regardless of whether anyone tells them go ahead and have some fun, or whether someone else discourages them altogether.

The other thing I will point out, is that women are more confident in being forward these days.  Again affairs will happen purely because people have free will choice.  If she is interested, she will let you know by her body language and subtle hints.  If you are not getting any hints or body language, she will reach out and start touching you.

Based on the first answer of you being a supportive sounding board, I would open up your horizons a little bit more and start going out with other women rather than hoping she will take your ‘friendship’ further.  You deprive yourself of some fulfillment simply because you have formed an attachment to her right now. 

Laura